The thing with PND (post - natal depression, post-partum depression or post pregnancy depression) is that it gets to you even when you think it shouldn’t. You can almost feel it creeping up on you, like an unwanted period when you’re trying to conceive, and yet you stay in utter denial that this is actually happening because...well, why should it?
Why should you feel depressed when you have absolutely no reason to be? Why should you feel depressed when you’ve got everything you ever wanted and you’re supposed to be so utterly, deliriously happy with life?
It doesn’t choose you just because you’ve had a hard time.
It doesn’t choose you just because you’re struggling.
These are risk factors to PND, but it can reach anyone, anywhere and for no other reason than the fact that you just had a baby.
Postnatal depression in men is also a recognised diagnosis.
Male or female. Mother or Father. Easy ride or hard as hell - you don’t get to decide that you aren’t at risk.
It’s almost harder for those around you to understand this, and to come to terms with this before you do so yourself. If your partner is struggling to know how to understand and support you through this difficult time, send them this post and highlight the end of this paragraph:
It’s not you. It’s nothing you did. Keep listening. Keep helping. Keep supporting. Don’t ever take it personally. It’s not your fault. Don’t pretend it isn’t happening.
My own experience with PND…
As you’ve probably guessed by now, my own experience of post natal depression was somewhat of a shock...in very slow motion. I’d had a traumatic birth 2.5yrs earlier with my first child and the birth of my second child was a much more positive experience. I came away from the hospital feeling that I’d had the right support and the right care and this time I could go home and feel enthusiastic about showing my new baby to friends and family.
Symptoms of PND
The warning signs were there, but I chose to dismiss them:
- Catastrophic thoughts would enter my mind more and more frequently.
- The most horrific images would pop into my head, about accidents that could happen or even things that I might do on impulse (although I was sure I never would, but I couldn’t understand why I’d imagine doing something so awful if there wasn’t a part of my brain planning it!).
- Nights lying awake staring at my baby, convinced she would stop breathing.
- I became irritable and snappy.
- I’d dissociate on a regular basis, zoning out of real life and shutting down.
- I couldn’t find the joy in anything.
- I’d shout (when I hate shouting).
- I’d snap.
- I’d stand there frozen, fighting back the tears as my body willed me to just leave…Told me everyone would be better off if I just went.
How my PND affected my family:
My two year old was struggling. The changes were massive and it was the summer holidays so he didn’t have the usual routine of pre-school - just being stuck at home with me and a baby all day, every day.
Previous NCT friends would call with their children of the same age - his usual play mates - to see the new baby, and he would hit and snatch. It was hard to manage whilst holding or feeding a newborn and struggling to heal from post labour surgery.
The visits stopped, so did the messages.
Friends who had previously wanted to meet up again stopped getting in touch to arrange things. One friend stood on my doorstep and didn’t come in, saying she had to be somewhere.
By this point I’d started to accept that I wasn’t as well as I should be, because I remember telling myself that my thoughts about my friends ‘backing away’ were just paranoia.
My anxiety was at an all-time high.
I was terrified of leaving the house for fear of something bad happening. I felt like a complete failure as a mother and I was absolutely convinced that my children would be better off if I wasn’t around.
I felt like I wanted to shut the world out. I took my daughter for a check-up with the nurse at the Drs Surgery and all she had to do was say three words: “How are you?”....
The next thing I knew I was shaking and crying, trying to articulate how anxious and sad I felt, but I couldn’t explain why. Within 10 minutes I was in front of the GP for an appointment. They referred me to a therapy clinic who called me an hour later for a telephone interview to ask me certain questions which would help them to ascertain my needs.
By the end of the call they explained that I had one of the highest scores for PND and Post Natal Anxiety and they would be putting me forward for immediate CBT.
A week later I had my first session with a therapist, but it wasn’t a quick fix, and it was hard work trying to manage my ‘triggers’ and change my way of thinking - especially my own thoughts about myself as a parent and the role I played.
Then it happened...
9pm on a Saturday night, whilst breastfeeding my 6 week old baby...a message on my husband’s phone from one of the NCT dads - the husband of someone I’d considered a friend...
The message explained that they had decided that our 2yr old was not welcome at their child’s birthday party alongside the other NCT children. That after discussion, other parents and children were anxious and afraid of his behaviour and as parents we "should be doing what is best for our children".
Ouch.
Suddenly those voices in my head telling me what a bad job I was doing became words on a screen from actual people who knew me.
I waited a few weeks to see if it really was the feelings of everyone...no one called, messaged or visited.
Working out what was real and what was paranoia became almost impossible.
Eventually I sent a group message explaining, admitting, that I was struggling with PND and how upset I was at the way I had been ostracised from the group. Just one person replied privately to offer support. I didn’t hear from anyone else ever again, apart from the ‘friend’ whose husband sent the text - to let me know that she stands by the original message…
Then again a week or so later, to dish out a few more ‘truths’ about her thoughts on my child and, eventually, to let me know she was removing me from Facebook.
I didn't have the strength to reply to any of those messages.
Unkind messages and memes were posted online...cryptic, but obvious. Pizza deliveries I hadn’t ordered were sent to my house late at night. My entire support network had crumbled at a time when I felt like I was fighting for my life and needed it the most.
Pranks and comments online, indirect, but very obvious suggesting that a certain person (me) should drown them self. My anxiety was magnified and suddenly my fears about horrific accidents happening if I left the house became fears of purposeful attacks.
I became a prisoner in my own home, jumping at every knock on the door. Looking over my shoulder at every appointment. Pushing myself to attend baby groups for the sake of my child, but having panic attacks on the journey there.
The one thing that helped me to separate my feelings of upset and distress due to events that had happened, and feeling and thoughts due to PND and anxiety was the therapist. I’d show her every message, every response, detail every event factually and she would help me to see that I wasn’t over reacting. That the behaviour of these people was not only abhorrent, but dangerous to my recovery of a very real mental health issue.
You see, that’s another thing about PND - ‘people’ may not cause it, but they can make it worse. They can make recovery harder.
It’s really important to have a proper support network around you of people who will help you to see your worth as a parent, friend and human being...rather than question your abilities and point out what they feel are your flaws.
You need those reminders that anxiety can make you shout. Sadness can make you angry. Upset can make you exhausted. Sleep deprivation can make you paranoid. Depression can make you think about your own suicide...but that doesn’t always mean you’ll do it. Thinking about it happening doesn’t make it happen.
PLANNING how to go through with it, and finding a way of putting a plan into place makes it happen...but simply imagining your own death can help you to see just how much you are needed. How important you are. It doesn’t make you a bad person....just someone who is feeling really sad.
I am happy to say that I am now pretty much fully recovered from PND. I know that lack of sleep is a massive trigger for me and that I have to prioritise this so that I don’t spiral downward. I’m lucky to have found some wonderful new friends via the PANDAS support group I attended as part of my recovery. I prioritise genuine and supportive friends on a 1:1 or in small groups but I keep my circle very small...allowing myself to develop new friendships is an ongoing battle I have with myself!
Having something to focus on and ‘achieve’ no matter how big or small is really important in order to keep you on a forward path. I use my blog as an outlet and as a way of keeping me busy and focused on things I feel passionate about.
If you, or anyone else you know is struggling - please seek help from your GP, well-being service or PANDAS group to help you with the support you need. You will not be judged, and asking for help does not mean that you will be seen as a bad parent. Someone who seeks help is someone who wants to get better, and that is infinitely better than suffering in silence.