It's been a while since I've published a blog post...not since last year in fact, which makes it sound significantly longer!!
I'd already got used to cramming most of my blogging into the hour of 9-10pm once I'd 'finally' managed to get my toddler to sleep, but then on Christmas Eve it just hit me with full force: morning sickness...
Up until this point, I thought I'd managed to get away with a more manageable version of the early pregnancy nausea, but bang on cue just as my guests arrived for Christmas this added unwelcome visitor made an appearance.
Is there anything worse than feeling horrendously sick and yet having to try and hide it because you haven't yet had your scan and you can't be sure everything is okay??
I know many people don't bother trying to hide their pregnancies anymore and take a much more carefree attitude whilst hoping for the best, but honestly - I have been filled with such anxiety throughout this pregnancy about things going wrong, miscarriage, or 'missed miscarriage' that I haven't really been able to allow myself to truly accept that I am pregnant until I saw that little heartbeat...
Just like my pregnancy with Arthur, I started to show really early. This time much more so, possibly due to the fact I have a condition called Diastasis Rectii from carrying Arthur which meant my tummy muscles were split open and they've never really healed - I guess they don't do such a great job of 'holding it in' anymore!
Although I did suffer morning sickness with Arthur, it wasn't on the level that I've had it this time. I used to manage a full on day of teaching my Reception class, 5 days a week, before the nausea kicked in around 5pm and just ruined my dinner time and evenings. This time, I've had days spent in bed/in the bathroom feeling like I had been hit by a bus and then contracted food poisoning whilst simultaneously nursing an impossible hangover. I have been (I've felt) a truly rubbish Mummy as I've watched Arthur become perplexed about my lack of 'fun play', the cancellation of play dates, the Xmas day spent in bed and the now 'normal' toddler question to start the day, "Mummy you sick? You better??"
I've already come to the conclusion that I can't possibly do this ever again (although I did say the same thing after having Arthur so I'm not sure how much I really mean it) and 'survival mode' has well and truly been switched on - possibly for a while yet. I can't even take the short walk into town without feeling sick and dizzy to the point I may faint....life has been pretty boring. I am sure that this is all just a little taste of things to come - a gentle reminder of how life with a newborn can be whilst you also have a 2 year old to contend with...but for me, there aren't many things I'd say are worse than nausea, that feeling where you are just about to be sick, but with no relief. Towards the end of my pregnancy with Arthur I had such bad SPD/PGP I couldn't walk and I was in constant pain, my tummy was so stretched that my stretch marks were bleeding and I had bruised ribs ... I would still take that any day if the week over and above morning sickness (and I will undoubtedly have to someday soon!*)
And yet, I'm grateful for it. It generally means that the pregnancy hormones are doing their job and that this one is staying put. If I were to wake up tomorrow with no sickness whatsoever I would probably panic that there was something wrong.
Are there any other moments in life where you feel helplessly that you can't win, and are failing at normal everyday stuff - whilst simultaneously growing a whole new human being and keeping another small one alive?! I'm just winning at the stuff no one sees...that's sort of what motherhood is right??
So there is was...my very long excuse for going a bit awol and frankly adding 'rubbish blogger' to the list of things I've been a bit terrible at doing this year. Sorry everyone, but....Onwards and upwards! .... or maybe outwards...
*NB: The PGP started early - before I even managed to publish this blog post in fact...i'll be careful what I write in future.
Sarah x
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